Am I out of line? Family Drama

[svvdressage]

So my MIL started dating again after being widowed for 4 years. She has been dating this guy for about 5 mnths and they are talking about getting married. There were some red flags with this guy. His 4 children have NOTHING to do with him and out of curiosity I googled him. What I found was terrifying. He has been convicted of assault, child endangerment, 4 DUI's, and harassment. He was fired from the post office for sending a co worker naked pics of himself. The harassment charge was for more naked pics sent a year later. My husband and sister went to talk to her about these things and the next day she had excuses for all the things, none of them were his fault. Today she brought him to my son school concert. I do not want this man to be around my children and told her this and then, pardon the expression, the shit hit the fan. I tried to be as kind about it as possible, but he scares me. Am I going over board? I know I hurt her and I feel really bad. Would you be ok with this person being around your kids/

[WheresMyWhite]

Has he admitted to this or you know for an absolute fact that her BF is the same person you have found this information about?

If so, there is no way this person would get near my children. PERIOD. Your MIL can see your children but not him. I wouldn't allow her to take my children anywhere that I was not able to be in attendance.

Everything he's been convicted of are things that it has been proven that he did. You don't know what he hasn't been caught doing...

But, that is just me. It is unfortunate her feelings were hurt but *she* has a choice... she can continue to be a part of her grandchildren's life, just not with this person in attendance. If he must be included in family gatherings and they were my children, they would not be at the same gatherings.

Maybe I am taking a hard line on this but that's where I'd be going with this decision.

Your children come first over anyone like this...

[svvdressage]

Yes 100% sure it was him

What you said was pretty much exactly what I told her, but afterwards I felt like the bad guy.

[Flight]

I would have done the same as you. If he's been convicted of all that, I would have spoken to the MIL of my concerns and if she's ok with it, well that's her choice but I'd be keeping the kids away.

[angela9823]

My mother is the woman you are discussing. She has been dating a guy since my dad passed in 1999 that none of us care for. He was not allowed to see his kids for many years and then wasn't able to hold down a job for the first years they were dating. Then he quit trying. I didn't like his vocabulary choice in front of my child so I told my mom that as long as he was around, she could not spend time with my DD. My mom would come visit us alone. The guy had a mild stroke about 5 years ago now. Since then he quit drinking. He's turned into somewhat a different person. I still am leary of him but he's apologized many times about the way he was when he was a drinker. He says he just couldn't control his temper when drinking. He has a job now and is apparently doing well in the job as he's moved up to a manager in his area. The people there seem to like him. I want to give him a chance now for my mom's sake and what I've seen over the last several years is that he has changed but I still see him as the person I knew before the stroke and when he was drinking.

Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing. Your first priority is to keep your children safe and it doesn't matter whose feelings you hurt in doing that. Perhaps it was the drinking that got him in trouble previously so if he's still drinking even a little - no way no how would I have my kids there. Even if not, you protect your children first!

[Saddlebum]

He's been convicted of some terrible behaviorial issues. Found guilty. He says to your MIL they were not his fault.

This is not a changed person. He is not 'taking responsibility' for his previous actions. He may have stopped drinking and feels better but, saying he couldn't control his temper while drinking does not justify sending a co-worker naked pics of himself and he lost his job and still, felt compelled to send more naked pics of himself. There is no guarantee he won't start drinking in the future.

This person is sick and is not getting the help he truly needs.

Your first responsibility is to your children/family. Protect them and do not feel bad about that - you should feel strong about doing your research and taking a positive position toward keeping your children safe.

Your MIL has blinders on and that is sad. She needs to feel loved and is desperately seeking that in this man. She may have developed her strong feelings towards him prior to knowing his past. Even so, hopefully she rethinks her future plans with him.

[Tarlo Farm]

How awful! I agree with everyone; the safety and well-being of your kids is your first and most important job. Period. This is a bad guy. It hasn't been just one, or even two infractions, but a list of bad and dangerous behavior. I'd have trouble being on the same block as the guy.

[PaulaO]

I agree with what everyone else said. Your children come first. This may sound harsh, but I don't believe that family is everything. I had a falling out with my alcoholic brother and life was better when he died. Please do not feel guilty about not associating with this man. It is your mother-in-law's choice to allow him in HER life, but it doesn't have to be YOUR choice.

[Paints]

I don't think you are going overboard either. But what a tough situation to have. Follow your instincts and put your children first.

[angela9823]

This is not a changed person. He is not 'taking responsibility' for his previous actions. He may have stopped drinking and feels better but, saying he couldn't control his temper while drinking does not justify sending a co-worker naked pics of himself and he lost his job and still, felt compelled to send more naked pics of himself. There is no guarantee he won't start drinking in the future.

I'm not sure if you possibly got OP's and my post mixed up? I don't see where OP said the man quit drinking. I said my mom's boyfriend did, etc.

But my family has had alcoholism on both sides - my side and hubby's side. In many medical documented cases, people are bipolar when drinking versus not drinking. My stepson was like that, my brother, my brother in law. Not drinking, these are the most sane individuals and very kind. Drinking, they are not. They are down right mean. This has been documented with people that abuse drugs as well. Rationalism goes right out the window. I'm not making excuses for these people at all. I'm giving an example of a man whom SEEMS to have changed since he quit drinking. He's accepting fault, apologizing for the way he was when he was drinking and I'm starting to believe he's a changed person.

I have no idea if this is the case with the OP or not. But a person who has had several DUIs leads me to believe there is (or was) an issue with drinking and maybe he's explained this to the MIL and this is why she's saying it wasn't his fault. Maybe he's quit drinking and has changed. I don't know but I would NOT be willing to trust my children in that situation until I uncovered all the facts and probably not even then with small children. My DD is almost 21 now. I don't feel as uncomfortable with my mom's boyfriend in the picture around her especially since he does seem to have changed. I still would not trust a young child/teen around a person like this though with the history no matter how much the person has changed.

[Rhianon]

I hope your husband and sister are backing you up on this. Talking of marriage after 5 months of dating strikes me that MIL is not thinking straight. Just have to hope she wakes up before her own life is a mess.

[WheresMyWhite]

Yes 100% sure it was him

What you said was pretty much exactly what I told her, but afterwards I felt like the bad guy.

Was just making sure on the 100%

Of course she is going to try to make you feel like the bad guy and relent on your decision.

He is the bad guy and she is making a choice. Simple as that. You are also making a choice to put your children first and protect them.

If I had a penny for everyone convicted of these types of crimes who said it wasn't their fault or they didn't really do it... I'd be a very rich person. I've personally heard 2 convicted/in jail inmates describe what they were convicted of and then say in the next sentence that they were wrongly convicted - and I'm sitting there thinking that juries and/or judges don't usually make this many "incorrect" convictions (not saying it doesn't happen but more often than not judge/jury is correct).

[exploding pony]

It's your job to protect your kids. She's an adult, if she has the information, it's her choice to be involved with a looser as long as she is of sound mind.

It's very, very sad to watch, but it's none of your business. What is your business is protecting your kids, which you have done. You are doing 1000% the right thing.

[TeresaA]

Let me chime in to say that I agree with everyone in this thread. It is difficult but you need to put your children's safety first.

Your MIL can choose to believe what she likes but you don't have to put your children at risk nor you mental well-being because of worry. I do hope that your husband endorses your stand on this.

[orono]

You are in the right, your MIL is in denial. Unfortunately you can't change her decisions regarding her personal life, but there's no way in hell that he'd be anywhere near my kids. Hang in there.

[AirsAboveNC]

You are in the right and please do not let them guilt you into feeling otherwise.

[KathyK]

Add my voice to the chorus. You are right. Your MIL can have whomever she wants in her life; she does not get to put that person in your life too, and especially not in your children's lives.

[svvdressage]

Thanks guys. My MIL is extremely upset with me, to put it lightly. My DH has been extremely supportive of how I feel. MIL keeps telling me that what's in the past is in the past and he is a wonderful person but she has only known him for 6 mnths! The child endangerment is what really gets me. If he would put his hands on his own kid (I pulled some old court documents) what would make me think he wouldn't do it to mine. He has told my MIL excuses for every conviction...according to him not a single one was his fault, and she believes him. The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

[Tarlo Farm]

And that is the gut you trust. We are behind you 110% and I'm so glad to hear DH feels the same.

[Code3]

Just another voice. The crimes he committed are bad enough but the fact that he is not taking responsibility only adds to it. You are 100% right. Whenever in doubt, come here. We'll support you!

[Chisamba]

When i was a teen, my best friend was assaulted by the man her mother married. she ( the mother) swore that he , the assaulter, was a changed man, etc etc etc.

he want and my friend, her daughter, suffered. she never even told me, i know that i was very often invited to join her at home for sleep overs, and she very often came to my house, but i did not know i was her shield against her stepfather, until many years later, when she refused to let her kids go to their home.

I think the safety of your children overrides any other considerations, and mothers who do not understand that do not deserve to have good relationships with their families

[ThursdayNext]

There's always an excuse. He was drunk. He was framed. He was out of his mind on drugs. He's not the same person he used to be. It's his ex-wife's fault for turning his kids against him. ... Oh al-anon, where art thou?

As the daughter who lives with the consequences of a mother who chose boyfriends over her kid's safety, thank you. You're doing exactly the right thing: Look at all the evidence; trust your instincts; cut MIL off if you have to. Continue to protect your kids. Be pleasantly calm. Be a mountain. Set up your parameters. Do not back down. MIL doesn't believe your fears about this man are warranted, so she may try to figure out ways around the rules. Until or unless this guy goes away, I would take her name off school emergency contact cards, make sure she is not allowed to pick up the kids at school, etc. Try to put her in a position where she doesn't have the latitude to break any rules.

Has anyone suggested counseling for her? If not, now seems a good time. Might be a good time for you and the rest of the family, too, especially if she marries this guy. ... I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Suzon]

Nothing to add, just another voice telling you to protect your children. (((HUGS)))

[svvdressage]

OMG, so today my DH gets a message that MIL is coming to my son's soccer game and she is bringing him with. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life, I was literally shaking. I specifically told her I don't want my him around by son and she does it anyway. Who does that!?! And she is P!SSED that the DH said boyfriend wasn't welcome at the game. Now what do I do if she dsn't respect my boundaries?

[viscountessleftfield]

OMG, so today my DH gets a message that MIL is coming to my son's soccer game and she is bringing him with. I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life, I was literally shaking. I specifically told her I don't want my him around by son and she does it anyway. Who does that!?! And she is P!SSED that the DH said boyfriend wasn't welcome at the game. Now what do I do if she dsn't respect my boundaries?

You ask for security to remove them. You remove your son. You call the police and have them charged with harassment.

We went through this with my MIL's BF and it ended up being relationship ending after both MIL and the BF did a lot of horrible things to hubby, me, and my BIL.

[M&M]

I don't disagree with the Viscountess, but if possible, deal with it by having officials remove BF. Try not to remove your son. It's hugely important for kids to feel protected, and God forbid, believed and validated if anyone messes with them - ask me how I know.

But it's also important to let a kid be a kid, in a situation that they don't recognize as dangerous. You don't want him to feel like he is being punished.

However, in no way whatsoever am I suggesting to let your MIL's IBF (Icky boy friend) be around your kids. I'm also not sure how old your son is. Haven't had coffee yet - maybe it's right there in the OP and I just didn't see it. His age would definitely affect how much I stand by what I wrote.

[heronponie]

I imagine the parents of other children at the game wouldn't want this dude eyeing up their little ones either.

[Josette]

Maybe a stupid suggestion but would you consider asking Dr Phil about this issue? It doesn't sound like MIL will give this guy up. I'm so sorry for the stress this is causing you. I agree child safety is #1 but now how not to make a scene to upset your son.....