JOKE THREAD

[boots-aregard]

Pledge that every time you hear a good joke, you'll post it here. Every time.
Even if you make up a joke, yes?



I'll start:

A horse walks into a bar and orders a double shot of whiskey.
The bartender says, "Are you an alcoholic?"
The horse says, "I don't think I am," and promptly disappears.
The philosopher on the next barstool over dissolves into laughter.
And I would have mentioned the philosopher earlier, except that would have been putting Descartes before the horse!


Ba dump bum!

[KathyK]

A groaner on so many levels!

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, 'Why the long face?"
"It's my wife -- she's such a nag."

[demi]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

[Kelo]

Guy is driving down a country road and spots a sign: "Talking Horse For Sale."

Intrigued, he stops, and is led to the horse.

"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the horse.

"I've led a full life," the horse miraculously replies. "I was born in the Andes mountains, where I worked as a sheep herder. Later, I joined the mounted police force in New York City. Now I spend my days giving rides to underprivileged children."

The man is amazed, and turns to the owner, "Why on earth would you want to sell such an incredible animal?"

The owner replies, "Because he's a liar! He's never done any of that!"

[Suzon]

Where does the general keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

[PaulaO]

What happens to ducks when they fly upside down?

They quack up!

[boots-aregard]

(you have to read this one outloud because the spelling gives it away.)

What do you call a fish without eyes?



a fsh.

[boots-aregard]

Oh, oh, oh,

Today I visited a friend who has a 2.5 year old son Tom, who is also my friend. Toddler Tom was wearing a Tshirt with a Tyrannosaurus Rex on it. He came over and I said, "Tom, you have a dinosaur on your shirt." "Yes!" big smile. I said, "Let me read what it says." and I stretch the shirt a little bit and read really slowly hoping he'll get the joke, "It says, 'It's a pleasure to eat you!'"

Tom's face falls and he shouts at me, "That's terrible! Terrible!"

[chantal]

^^That's funny!! I looooove kids!!

Okay, what do Kermit the Frog and John the Baptist have in common?



The same middle name

[texsuze]

A toddler was being given a bath by his mother. As he was examining his testicles, he asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"

"Not yet", his mother replied.

[Canyon]

Pony for sale, great with kids!

Pony for Sale.jpg (52.16 KiB) Viewed 26793 times

[Chisamba]

what is round and purple and conquered the world?

Alexander the Grape

[Woost2]

Why are elephants gray?










So you can tell them apart from a blueberry.

[Literiding]

A Bible school teacher gave her second grade students an assignment to draw a picture of Biblical story. At the end of the period, she collected the various artistic efforts of her students. She had the usual collection of Sampson and the pillars, Moses dividing the Red Sea as well as others. But one young lad, Johnny, had handed in a picture of an airplane with four stick figures in it. After considering his drawing for a bit, she told him, “Johnny, I don’t understand your picture.”

Johnny replied, “That’s Jesus’ flight into Egypt,” with great confidence.

“Oh!??? But why are there four people in the airplane?”

“Well,” replied Johnny, “There’s Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Ponitus the Pilot!”

[Suzon]

[MissDee]

A little girl in an Eastern Bloc country went to school one day and told her teacher, "Our cat has new kittens! And you know what, they're perfect Communists." The teacher loved the story, and several weeks later, when the local Communist Party leader was visiting the school, she asked the little girl to tell the man about her cat's new kittens. "Oh yes sir," the little girl replied, "they're so pretty - and you know what, they're perfect Socialists." "Why Anna," said the teacher, "you told me before that they were perfect Communists!" "Yes," replied Anna, "but now their eyes are open."

[Cookie]

A blonde walks into a library. She says to the librarian, "I'd like a burger and fries, please."

The librarian, confused, says, "Ma'am, this is a library!"

The blonde embarrassed says, "Oh no, I'm so sorry!!!" and then quietly whispers, "I'd like a burger and fries, please."

[boots-aregard]

A blonde walks into a library. She says to the librarian, "I'd like a burger and fries, please."

The librarian, confused, says, "Ma'am, this is a library!"

The blonde embarrassed says, "Oh no, I'm so sorry!!!" and then quietly whispers, "I'd like a burger and fries, please."

I love that one, even if it is a blonde joke.

[KathyK]

An elderly couple is at the doctor's office for the husband's annual physical.
The physician's assistant says to the hard-of-hearing man, "The doctor would like a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample."
Husband asks his wife: "What did she say?"
Wife: "The want your underwear."

[Chisamba]

Slightly off color:

Old couple sitting on the verandah rocking the morning away. Old man jumps up, gets wallet and truck keys. Wife asks,
" where are you going"
He replies, " im going to the doctor to get some of that viagra"
Wife grabs her purse and goes hustling after him.
" where are you going"
" to get a tetanus shot, if you plan to use that rusty old nail"

[LeoApp]

The Cowboy
This printed in a Texas newspaper : The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106. On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

[Rockabilly]

Might be appropriate here.


How to kill an introvert. Put a stranger in their kitchen.

[Suzon]

Might be appropriate here.


How to kill an introvert. Put a stranger in their kitchen.

[Chisamba]

Might be appropriate here.


How to kill an introvert. Put a stranger in their kitchen.

i assume the joke is that the "introvert" will die of starvation in their own house?

[DJR]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Only two, but I don't know how they got in there!

[KathyK]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Only two, but I don't know how they got in there!

Folks, we have a winner!

[AnnCohrs]

[KathyK]

Koala tea! Yes, they are!

[Sue B]

Awesome puns

[Chisamba]

I'm reading a book about anti gravity.
Its impossible to put down.

koala tea pun

[Chisamba]

I swallowed some food coloring.
I dyed a little inside.

okay, okay, i will stop

[DJR]

What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant?




Run around until you're all pooped out!

[M&M]

what do you call a hippie's wife?

Missisippi!

[AnnCohrs]

[KathyK]

You can make your own antifreeze by stealing her blanket.

[PaulaO]

Pig in cow shoes wins the interwebz!

[boots-aregard]

what do you call a hippie's wife?

Missisippi!

BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA.

I also love Shroedinger's Butter, but since it requires a picture, I doubt the likelihood of me reusing it.

[Chisamba]

Not really a joke, but every time i read the forum, my brain reads Defiantly Dressage.

[AnnCohrs]

Not really a joke, but every time i read the forum, my brain reads Defiantly Dressage.

SOME DAYS my riding was like that.

[Moutaineer]

apps.jpg (39.42 KiB) Viewed 26203 times

[Chisamba]

Lol, Apps

[Canyon]

Good one, Moutaineer! And a very fitting post from you, an owner of so many beautiful spotty horses. You can blame it all on your phone .

[boots-aregard]

Good one from the other board:

News is that the inventor of auto correct has died. May he restaurant in peace.

[Chisamba]

Im so sexy that when i get naked, the shower gets turned on .

Ba da dum.