The Real Rules of Dressage

[KathyK]

I saw this on Facebook and loved it and wanted to share it. It is remarkably on point!

THE REAL RULES OF DRESSAGE

1. If you really want to get better at dressage, take it up at an earlier age - and grow an extra 3 inches of leg.

2. A dressage test is a test of your skill against another competitor's luck.

3. Dressage is about achieving a harmonious working relationship with your horse, whose only idea of harmony is eating grass in a field with his buddies.

4. If you want to end a drought or dry spell, wear a new jacket and hat to an outdoor arena.

5. Untalented, difficult, aggressive horses have robust health, good hocks and long lives.

6. Talented tractable horses are accident prone and have OCD lesions.

7. You will ride the best test of your entire life just prior to being disqualified for not wearing your gloves.

8. Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your head before a test.

9. Never keep less than another 300 separate thoughts in your head during a test.

10. Horses do not improve their paces because you are wearing expensive German breeches.

11. If you chose a disco theme for your dressage to music test then the judge will be more than 90 years of age and Swiss.

12. The less skilled the rider, the more likely they are to share their critique of your test.

13. If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training then you have reached the point of total desperation - try the German breeches.

14.Your horse has never heard of Podhajsky, let alone read the book.

15. No matter how badly you ride a test, it is always possible to ride a worse one.

16. If it ain't broke, try shifting your position and it will be.

17. Judges only suffer from temporary blindness (or kindness) when they are judging someone else's test.

18. If you fall off your horse in the arena you will have paid to have the test videoed.

19. If you are feeling confident before a show then three of the USET dressage team will turn up to give their young horses some "experience."

20. Your horse will perform its best piaffe ever when you ask for extended canter.

22. Since runs of bad competitions come in groups of three, the fourth competition is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

23. No one cheats at dressage because no one has worked out how to do it.

24. It is surprisingly easy to end a test with a perfect square halt once you have scored a four for every other movement.

25. The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together.

26. Remember when buying a dressage horse advertised as "needs experienced competitive rider" this really means "needs the skills of Isabelle Werth just to stay on board."

27. If you think your test was better than someone else's, it probably wasn't.

28. If you pay 60,000 for an imported WB, you will be beaten in First Level 4 by a Quarter Horse.

29. Clinics given by someone with an interesting accent are not necessarily superior to those given by the homegirl.

30. If you go to the expense of raising an expensive WB foal, he will have a talent for jumping and no walk worth talking about.

**Author unknown

[PaulaO]

LOL. That is why I do dork dressage and don’t show.

[StraightForward]

28. If you pay 60,000 for an imported WB, you will be beaten in First Level 4 by a Quarter Horse.

If you buy a "sensible quarter horse" she will go uncorked in the warmup and make all the warmblood riders gasp.

[heddylamar]

28. If you pay 60,000 for an imported WB, you will be beaten in First Level 4 by a Quarter Horse.

If you buy a "sensible quarter horse" she will go uncorked in the warmup and make all the warmblood riders gasp.

Did you know my $600 quarter horse?!

[StraightForward]

I was thinking of last summer when Annabelle went from standing still to straight-up rear in the warmup, then went on to stun the judge with a 38% T1 test. But it's good to know I'm not the only one who's been there.

[Josette]

These rules are so funny! My favs are 5 6 16 28 30.

[PaulaO]

My favorite is 22. Proving that there will never be a good test! LOL

[Chisamba]

I thought they were funny with the exception of number one.

Very few kids just get dressage, it's a sport I think we mature into appreciating, and there is no specific body type for dressage. My longer legged riders actually have more difficulty with leg aids.

So they are all funny except the first lol

[KathyK]

I think you just didn't get the joke.

[Tarlo Farm]

Number 13 made me laugh out loud.

[Chisamba]

I think you just didn't get the joke.

Captain obvious.

[piedmontfields]

It's a great list. I especially feel/laugh/grimace at this one for myself:

"25. The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together."

[heddylamar]

22 and 24 have held true for me

[Ryeissa]

I get this was a joke but its just not my kind of humor. Its very negative.....Seems to be written by a beginner.

If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training then you have reached the point of total desperation - try the German breeches.

Ummm I HAVE used a psychic and it was very informative, though I have two trainers. I guess I am just desperate.

[KathyK]

Honestly, I don't think a beginner would have the insight to write these jokes. I also think maybe you took that one a little personally. I'm sure none of them were meant to be taken personally. I suppose I could find this one negative:

The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together.

because it has happened to me. Somehow, I still manage to see the humor in it.

[Ryeissa]

Honestly, I don't think a beginner would have the insight to write these jokes. I also think maybe you took that one a little personally. I'm sure none of them were meant to be taken personally. I suppose I could find this one negative:

The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together.

because it has happened to me. Somehow, I still manage to see the humor in it.

eh, just didn't resonate with me.....not a big deal either way....

I'm sure I did take it personally, but I put a lot of passion and energy into dressage so yeah it's going to touch a nerve to some degree. I guess the older I get the less I think of things in this me vs you/rich vs poor/pro vs ammy specturm in these jokes

[KathyK]

It was all meant in the spirit of fun.

[Snork]

I found the list exceedingly funny despite owning an extensive collection of German breeches and matching saddle pads and polos.